7 Myths About Couples Therapy That Keep People from Going
They have had the same fight three times this week.
She is not sure he actually hears her. He is not sure she ever really forgives him. They love each other, but something is stuck, and neither of them knows how to unstick it.
One of them brings up counseling.
Then the hesitation starts.
"Do we really need that?"
"What if it makes things worse?"
"We should be able to figure this out ourselves."
I hear versions of this pretty regularly in couples counseling here in Lake Charles.
And I understand the hesitation. Sitting down with a stranger and talking about the parts of your relationship that are not working can feel like a pretty big step.
But a lot of what people assume about couples therapy is not actually what happens in the room.
So let's clear some of it up.
Myth #1: Couples therapy is only for people who are about to break up
This may be the most common one.
People sometimes treat couples therapy like an emergency room. You only go when somebody has mentioned divorce, one person has moved into the guest room, or the relationship feels like it is hanging by a thread.
Couples absolutely do come to therapy at that point.
But you do not have to wait until then.
Some couples come because they keep having the same argument. Others feel more like roommates than spouses. Some have stopped feeling emotionally or sexually connected. Others realize that resentment is starting to build and do not want to keep going in the same direction.
Research on couples therapy shows that it can improve relationship satisfaction, communication, emotional intimacy, and other parts of relationship functioning.
That does not mean therapy guarantees that a couple will stay together.
Sometimes therapy helps a couple repair the relationship. Sometimes it helps them understand what has gone wrong. Sometimes it helps them make a difficult decision more clearly.
The point is that you do not have to wait for a crisis before the relationship is worth paying attention to.
If your relationship has started feeling stuck, you can learn more about couples counseling in Lake Charles.
Myth #2: The therapist is going to take sides
This is usually the fear of the spouse who was less excited about coming.
They imagine sitting down while their partner lists everything they have done wrong and the therapist spends the next hour agreeing.
That is not the goal of good couples therapy.
I am not there to decide which spouse is the good one and which spouse is the problem.
I am trying to understand the relationship.
What happens between the two of you when conflict starts?
What does one person do next?
How does the other respond?
What keeps happening over and over?
Where is each person getting hurt, defensive, angry, or disconnected?
At the same time, being balanced does not mean pretending every behavior is equally healthy. If there is dishonesty, betrayal, intimidation, aggression, or another harmful behavior, part of therapy may involve naming it directly and talking about responsibility.
The goal is not artificial neutrality.
The goal is helping both people understand what is happening while still being honest about the behaviors that are hurting the relationship.
Myth #3: Going to therapy means we have failed
There can be a lot of pride wrapped up in this one.
Especially around here, there can be a strong instinct to handle your own problems. Keep family business inside the family. Pray about it. Work harder. Give it time.
Sometimes that works.
Sometimes it does not.
Getting outside help does not automatically mean your marriage is broken beyond repair. It may simply mean that the two people inside the pattern are having trouble seeing the pattern clearly anymore.
You can be intelligent, capable, committed to your spouse, and still need help with your marriage.
In fact, asking for help can be one way of taking the relationship seriously.
Myth #4: We just need to learn how to communicate
"We just need to communicate better."
I hear that one all the time.
And communication does matter.
But communication is usually more complicated than learning a better sentence starter.
Sometimes one person keeps pushing for the conversation while the other shuts down. The more one pushes, the more the other withdraws. The more the other withdraws, the harder the first person pushes.
Other couples both escalate. Others avoid almost everything until resentment finally comes out sideways.
Research on couples has repeatedly found connections between communication patterns, emotional processes, and relationship satisfaction.
So yes, therapy may involve learning how to communicate differently.
But it can also involve figuring out why the same conversation keeps turning into the same fight.
That is usually where the more interesting work begins.
Myth #5: Talking about our problems will only make things worse
This fear makes sense.
If every conversation about money turns into an argument, why would you want to spend an hour talking about money?
If discussing sex always ends with somebody feeling rejected, why bring it up again?
The difference is that couples therapy is not supposed to be another version of the fight you already have at home.
Part of the therapist's job is to slow the interaction down enough to see what is happening.
Instead of:
"You never listen to me."
"No, you never stop complaining."
we may start looking at what happens five seconds before those sentences come out.
What did you hear?
What did you assume they meant?
What happened inside you?
What did you need in that moment that you did not know how to say?
That is different from simply arguing in front of a therapist.
It is also important to say that couples therapy is not appropriate in exactly the same way for every relationship. When there is ongoing violence, coercive control, fear, or a significant safety concern, individual assessment and a different treatment approach may be needed before conjoint couples work is considered.
Myth #6: It will not work unless both of us are equally motivated
It is common for one person to be more motivated than the other.
One spouse may have been asking for counseling for six months. The other finally agrees because they are tired of having the conversation.
That does not automatically make therapy pointless.
You do not have to walk through the door equally convinced that counseling is going to help.
But willingness does matter.
There is a difference between:
"I am skeptical, but I am willing to see what this is like."
and:
"I am only here to prove that my spouse is the problem."
A good therapist pays attention to what each person actually wants from counseling. The two of you may not even agree on that at first.
Research suggests that couples can still benefit even when partners enter therapy with different views of what is wrong with the relationship. What matters is whether there is enough willingness to participate honestly in the process.
Myth #7: If we have strong faith, we should not need couples counseling
I work with a lot of Christian couples, and I understand why this question comes up.
A couple can love God, pray together, attend church, and genuinely want a biblical marriage while still struggling with resentment, communication, pornography, betrayal, intimacy, anger, or years of unresolved hurt.
Those things are not mutually exclusive.
For couples who want it included, faith can absolutely be part of the counseling process.
Prayer, Scripture, forgiveness, repentance, grace, responsibility, and the meaning you place on marriage may all be important pieces of the conversation.
But going to counseling does not require choosing between faith and psychological help.
For couples who specifically want their Christian beliefs integrated into therapy, you can read more about Christian counseling at Woods Counseling Services.
So what is actually true about couples therapy?
Couples therapy is not magic.
The therapist cannot make your spouse change.
There is no guarantee that counseling will save every marriage.
And sometimes the process brings up difficult things that have been avoided for a long time.
But couples therapy does give you something that can be difficult to create at home: a structured place to slow down, understand the pattern between you, hear each other differently, and start figuring out whether that pattern can change.
People often come in expecting me to decide who is right.
Usually, that is not the most useful question.
I am much more interested in what keeps happening between the two of you and what each of you is doing, intentionally or unintentionally, to keep that pattern going.
Sometimes there is a very real path forward once we can finally see it.
Couples counseling in Lake Charles
If you and your spouse keep having the same fights, feel disconnected, are struggling with trust, or simply know something in the relationship needs attention, couples counseling in Lake Charles can give you a place to start working through it.
I provide in-person couples counseling in Lake Charles and telehealth throughout Louisiana and Texas.
If the relationship has been affected specifically by infidelity, pornography, or sexual betrayal, you may also want to learn more about betrayal trauma counseling and porn and sex addiction therapy.
This blog is for informational purposes only and does not create a therapist-client relationship. Couples therapy is not appropriate in the same form for every relationship. If there is violence, coercive control, intimidation, or concern for someone's immediate safety, seek individualized professional support and appropriate safety resources.
Brent Woods, MA, LPC-S, CSAT, is a licensed professional counselor and owner of Woods Counseling Services in Lake Charles, Louisiana. He provides in-person counseling in Lake Charles and telehealth throughout Louisiana and Texas.
