I Swore I’d Stop - So Why Can’t I?

Understanding the Cycle of Compulsive Sexual Behavior

If You're Caught in a Pattern You Don’t Want Anymore

You may have promised yourself this would be the last time. Maybe you deleted the apps, blocked the websites, and swore off the behavior, again. And maybe, for a little while, it worked. You felt relief. A sense of control. Hope that maybe this time would be different.

Until it wasn’t.

Now you’re back in the shame spiral, wondering what’s wrong with you… wondering why you can’t seem to stop something that brings you so much regret. You may feel confused, defeated, angry at yourself, or terrified of what happens if this ever comes to light. There might even be a part of you that’s numb, just trying to function while everything inside feels frayed.

If that’s where you are, take a breath. This isn’t about excuses. It’s about understanding.

This Isn’t Just a Self-Control Problem

One of the most painful things I see in people struggling with compulsive sexual behavior (especially when it involves pornography, hookup apps, or anonymous encounters) is the belief that they’re simply weak. That if they just “tried harder,” this would go away. That if they were truly spiritual, or truly good, they wouldn’t be stuck here.

But the truth is, most of the people I work with have already tried harder. They’ve poured energy into resisting, gone cold turkey, installed blockers, made promises to themselves and others, and white-knuckled their way through months or even years of “sobriety.” They’ve meant it every time.

And yet, under stress, loneliness, shame, or disconnection, the behavior returns. Not because they want it to. Not because they don’t care. But because this pattern isn’t about pleasure. It’s about pain. It’s about survival.

Compulsive Behavior Is Often a Coping Strategy - Not a Character Flaw

When we look beneath the surface of compulsive sexual behavior, we often find something tender: a history of emotional neglect, a trauma that never had a place to land, a childhood where vulnerability wasn’t safe or where love had to be earned. The body learns early what brings comfort. And when comfort wasn’t consistent or safe, we reach for what is, even if it’s false, fleeting, or costly.

Over time, those coping strategies become automatic. A reflex. A way of numbing discomfort or creating the illusion of connection. They may have worked at one point. But now, they’re creating damage. And that creates shame. Which starts the whole cycle over again.

This isn’t to minimize accountability. This is about complexity. Your behavior may have consequences. But you are not defined by it. There is always a story underneath the struggle. And that story deserves to be told with honesty and compassion.

This Cycle Isn’t Really About Sex - It’s About Regulation

You may notice that you return to these behaviors in very specific moments: when you feel rejected, overwhelmed, anxious, unseen, or numb. These aren’t random triggers. They’re emotional cues: signals from your nervous system that something hurts, or something feels missing.

And when your system hasn’t learned how to tolerate or regulate distress in safe, connected ways, the behavior becomes an escape hatch. Momentary control. Instant soothing. Predictable outcome.

Your nervous system isn’t weak; it’s trying to protect you the only way it knows how. But it’s doing it at a cost. Because when the shame kicks in afterward, it’s devastating. And the cycle starts again.

That’s why therapy for compulsive sexual behavior isn’t about just cutting off access or managing the surface behavior. It’s about building emotional safety inside your own body, so you no longer have to run, numb, or pretend.

If You’re Feeling Hopeless or Spiritually Broken, You’re Not Alone

Many people I work with carry a deep sense of spiritual pain around their behavior. Especially those from faith backgrounds. The guilt is intense, but so is the disconnection: from God, from their values, from who they thought they were.

You may feel unworthy. Beyond repair. Afraid this struggle says something unforgivable about who you are. You may even feel like you’ve been hiding your whole self, even in places where you’re supposed to be safe.

But compulsion doesn’t make you spiritually defective. It makes you human. A human who is in pain, using a strategy that once served a purpose but now brings harm. And therapy, when done with care and respect for your values, can help you reconnect. Not just with others, but with yourself.

Real Recovery Is Slower - and Kinder - Than You Think

There’s no shortcut through this work. But there is a path forward.

In therapy, we don’t just focus on the behavior. We focus on what the behavior is protecting. We explore the parts of you that feel lost, angry, ashamed, or afraid. We name what’s been hidden, not to shame you, but to set you free. And as your nervous system begins to feel safer, the urgency begins to loosen. You don’t have to fight so hard. You begin to choose instead of react.

Healing doesn’t mean perfection. It means freedom.

Freedom to feel without fleeing.

Freedom to live from your values, not your fear.

Freedom to build relationships rooted in honesty, integrity, and care.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you’re caught in this cycle, you may have never told anyone. Or maybe you have, and were met with blame, fear, or silence. That makes reaching out again feel even harder.

But you’re not the only one. Many people (people who seem “put together” on the outside) are carrying this same quiet struggle. And there is help. Wherever you are in the process (scared, stuck, ashamed, or just tired) therapy can meet you there.

If this resonates, I hope you’ll let that be your sign.

Not of failure.

But of readiness.

And If You Don’t Have Someone Yet, I’m Here

I’m Brent Woods, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), working with individuals across Louisiana and Texas, in person and online. If you’re struggling with compulsive sexual behavior and feel ready for something deeper than willpower, I offer a calm, confidential space to begin your work.

And whether you reach out to me or someone else, I hope you’ll reach out.

Because real healing is possible.

And you don’t have to carry this alone.